The school administration has continued to update its hall pass policy, involving two separate lists. One, things students need to go to the bathroom, and the other, a list of disqualifying factors. For students, the list below encapsulates everything you need to know, straight from the original PDF:
Requirements:
- A filled-out electronic pass
- An appointment, scheduled at least 24 hours in advance
- A doctor’s note
- Two notarized letters of recommendation
- A signed copy of the Declaration of Independence from the Founding Fathers
- A letter from Congress
- A human sacrifice
- A 15-minute-long video of you doing a 24-hour challenge in a K-Mart
- A haircut (buzzes aren’t accepted)
- Three, four-minute-long interpretive dances (improvised)
- Certificate of completion of the password game
- A dodo bird
Restrictions:
- Unreturned library books
- School computers failing to load
- Being under the height requirement of five feet
- Being above the height cap of six feet
- You aren’t a senior
- You have a rolling backpack
- A GPA under 6.0
- Skipping any and all school functions
- You’ve traveled outside of the country in the past thirty days
- Inability to perform a field sobriety test
- Haven’t been read your Miranda rights
- If Jack Sparrow’s compass doesn’t point to the bathroom when you hold it
- Backing into a parking space
- You have to go to the bathroom
In a parody of the famous quote from the hit movie “Cars,” and with a little rust-eez (and an insane amount of luck), you too can go to the bathroom like me. Ka-chow.
